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September 19th, 2004

08:44 pm - Fuck It! I can't be bothered anymore. This is the end. I'm sorry. Really. I am. If there was a way out, I swear I'd take it. But there isn't. I can't find one anyway. I'm sorry. I love you. This is the end. Current Mood: Suicidal

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September 17th, 2004

08:39 pm - Why? Why? WHY? Last night I had some fromage frais, 1 nectarine and 4 pieces of rye bread. This morning I had 3 Ryvita, 5 Rye bread. When I got home I had 4 pieces of Rye bread. Now I'm eating another 9 pieces of Rye bread. I can't stop. I'm going to be shitting out Rye bread soon! Matty won't like me anymore. No body likes a fatty! I hate this. I want to die. I WANT to DIE!! Current Mood: depressed

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September 16th, 2004

07:25 pm - So Bored.... Didn't eat anything today. Well I had a packet of chewing gum. How many calories does that have in? It was sugarfree. Didn't have any fat in. I'm bored. Just found out. 1 piece of Wrigley's sugarfree chewing gum is 5 calories. I gave some to people, so I probably had about 7. 35 calories. It's ok. I suppose. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Brides Of Destruction - Life

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September 15th, 2004

07:37 pm - Matty Is Soooo Sweet This is what he emailed me: soph, i cant stop thinkin of u, ur so luvly n cudley, i want it jst 2 be and you,alone,2getha,for ever nothin to let us tear apart, i want you soo bad in my arms 2 night,2morra,everyday,my luv for you will neva end*********MWAH********** *hugs with a smile:D* Awwwwwww. I think I'm going to cry. He's so sweet. Awww. *Blush* Current Mood: loved

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07:29 pm - FAT I gave in. I woke up, I felt so weak. I had some grapes (about 0.1g fat, 60 cals, maybe MORE!) And an apple (0g fat, 56 cals) Got home. Lied in bed for a bit. I was sooo tired. Got up. Got myself some tea. I wasn't going to eat. I'm so fat. I have in again. I had 1 carrot (0.3g fat, 15 cals) 4 pieces of Rye Bread (1.6g fat, 220 cals!!!) 10 slices of cucumber (0g fat, 6 cals) Then 1 nectarine (o.2g fat, 60 cals) with some fromage frais (trace fat, 96 cals) I'm so greedy. I'm so fucking greedy. Why did I give in? I could have got away with it. I COULD HAVE GOT AWAY WITH IT! But I gave in. I FUCKING gave in. I'm so weak. So stupid. So fat. So worthless. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Taking Back Sunday - There's No 'I' In Team

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September 14th, 2004

08:29 pm - You're Pissing Me Off....You're Fucking Pissing Me Off! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! I hate Jim. I hate him. I hate the way he gets away with everything. I hate the way he NEVER gets punished...he might get yelled at, but NEVER punished. I hate everything. I hate him! Current Mood: pissed off

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08:28 pm - Matty... I like him. I really like him. When he's online, he cheers me up. Oh..I don't know what to do. He doesn't want a fatty like me. That's why I HAVE to be thin. I have to starve myself. I'll do what ever it takes. I WILL be happy..... Current Mood: Don't Know What To Do Current Music: Avenged Sevenfold - Unholy Confessions

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07:09 pm - I Know....I Just Know Didn't eat ANYTHING again today. But I know, I just know, that tommorrow my mum will fuck everything up. I just know it. I don't want to do this. I've been so good. I picked up the Rye bread. I was about to get a piece out. But I didn't. I put it back. I'm so proud. Then when I had to make my tea (I didn't eat it though) I got out a tomato. Rubbed it against my lips. I thought about taking a bit. I didn't. I didn't give in. I'm so proud. Please Mum. Please. Don't fuck this up. Current Mood: determined Current Music: Pretty Girls Make Graves - This Is My Emergency

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September 13th, 2004

07:24 pm - It Begins....But How Will It End? I haven't eaten ANYTHING today. It all starts well. But how will it end? I've got to make it through the week WITHOUT bingeing. I hate mum. She's so fucking gay. We HAVE to sit at the table together for meals. Why? It's pointless. I hate her. I hate her. I got so fucking fed up with everything last night. I just cried. And cried. And cried. I got the blade out. Touched it on my arm. Looked away. Dragged it down. I turned back. It had all like opened up. The blood started flowing. I thought it wouldn't stop. I can't even remember feeling it. I hate this. I hate me. I hate life. I hate my mum. I hate Jim. I hate FOOD. I hate eating. DON'T MAKE ME EAT! I'LL JUST SLIT MY WRISTS! BUT THAT'S CLEARLY WHAT YOU WANT! Current Mood: determined Current Music: Josie And The Pussycats - You Don't See Me

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September 12th, 2004

07:54 pm - I Can't Do This....I Really Can't.... I can't so this. I'm fat. I couldn't stop eating today. I bet I'm all the way up to 8 stone. I never want to be there. Never again. I had a bowl (plus MORE!) of my mum's cereal, which was 9g fat for 50g! OMG! 9g fat! I hate this. I hate this!! I also had 4 weetabix. 3 Ryvita. Sugar puffs. Choco pops. 1 nectarine. 9 pieces of Rye bread. Then I ALSO had 2 quorn, some cabbage, some carrots, some cauliflower, 2 red onions, 1 parsnip for tea I was tempted to have some ginger nuts. But I managed not to. I'm so greedy. I've got to stop this. I have to. I say I will. But I never do. I hate this. Mum keeps on saying that it doesn't matter what grades I get, just as long as I leave happy. Happy? HAPPY??? How the fuck am I meant to leave happy if I'm fucking FAT??? HUH? HUH?????? She doesn't get it. I don't want to eat. Because as soon as I DO eat, I can't stop. I hate it. I don't want to eat. But I know what will happen if I don't. More arguements. I'll get banned off the computer. More yelling. Might get grounded. More blaming me. For everything. They don't get it though. They don't get it. If they did, they let me not eat. Then, they'd know I WAS happy. But they don't. They don't understand. They never will. I hate Jim. I hate him. He's really really PISSING me off at the moment. He's soooo annoying. ARRRGHHH! I hate him! Current Mood: Unhappy....I'm Fat Current Music: 3 Doors Down - Be Like That

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